Screw it, I've never done anything easy in my life, other than taco bell and microwave popcorn. And screw top wine. And leftovers. Ok, so in hindsight, that was just a false statement all around. ANYWAY, I push on with this post before we know what happens tonight.
I have four movie-related theories as to what has happened to LeBron James the past two games. His lack of, well, EVERYTHING is really inexplicable, even if you can't stand his antics and ego, resent the fact that he refuses to develop a low post game even though he's stronger than anyone who guards him, or just plain would get on your knees for Kobe and don't like people comparing them. Game 5 wasn't just mailing a game in, it was not even showing up. Like someone put a LeBron cardboard cut out on the floor and occasionally shot a ball at the hoop w/ a remote control. This brings me to my first movie theory:
LeBron has been replaced by a Changeling from "Krull." Yeah, I realize that link sucks ass. You try finding the clip where the creature kills the old Wizard of the Emerald, throws his body into the swamp, assumes the wizard's form, nearly kills Colwyn, and is thwarted by the Cyclops who discovers the wizard's lifeless body just before connecting from long range with his big trident thingy. It's not an easy find. (my girlfriend is a big fan of the film.) You could actually convince me that something like this has happened. That a parasitic henchman of The Beast has killed LeBron and has assumed his imposing form just to look stupid for three games and basically throttle the life out of the poor sports fans of Cleveland. Who will be the Cyclops? Who will find LeBron's corpse stuck in a broom closet? I don't know....
Second Movie Theory:
The Monstars are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that could be it! Somehow, LeBron touched a tainted basketball, and some creepy little technicolor alien became a super baller in preparation for "Space Jam 2: MJ Needs Money After Buying the Bobcats." For those of you who somehow forgot about Space Jam, the Monstars stole basketball gifts from the likes of Larry Johnson, Pat Ewing, Sean Bradley, Muggsy Bogues, and the great Charles Barkley, leaving them as talentless, listless, empty souls. (Yes, I realize that comment is slightly redundant with Sean Bradley. I wasn't the casting director.) That would explain why LeBron all of a sudden can't even make a two handed chest pass to Andy Varejao for a wide-open layup. That, or he just hates Varejao like the rest of the league. That would also not surprise me. Somebody better find that damn thieving bastard alien fast before the curtains close on Cleveland basketball for good. Otherwise MJ's screwed, and the aliens win. Not even Bill Murray could save you then, Cavs fans.
Third Movie Theory:
LeBron's child is being held captive by some scraggly naredowells who have placed money on the Celtics emerging victorious. They have given strict instructions to LeBron that the Cavs are not to win, lest his child meet a disastrous end. My first suspects: Dan Shaughnessy and Jason Whitlock. Now, if only LeBron had bought his boy a bizarrely human circus mutt who follows the kid everywhere and could save him from certain doom, thus allowing police to falsely tell LeBron that his child is safe and that he can return to superhuman form and pound Bill Simmons' favorite team into submission.
Sadly, there's a fourth general movie subplot that actually fits what's going on. LeBron has gone Cypher on the city of Cleveland. Oh sure Cavs fans, don't blame him, he's just the messenger. But, as pointed out by Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Brian Windhorst, and as cited by Taylor, LeBron's inaction has actually been paving the way for Cleveland's destruction for quite some time. Players such as Trevor Ariza balked at signing with the Cavs because LeBron would not commit to the team past this season. So Danny Ferry has been hamstrung with what he could build around his superstar. As a result, this team is a shrine to LeBron's splendor; and it is just ripe for his betrayal.
I personally think LeBron will play better tonight. I mean, really, he couldn't play any worse, unless he went over and cold-cocked Varejao with a steel chair mid-fast break. But, I don't think he'll play well enough. His teammates have lost all feel for the game, and have been desperately hoping to steal some of LBJ's mojo...which is no longer there. Mike Brown is already contacting TNT and ABC. Danny Ferry is already composing his apology letter to Cavs season ticket holders. It's all over but the crying. By letting his teammates see that he is fallible, and actually not good the past two games, LeBron has scared them. They lost their talisman. Their cloak of invincibility has been removed. No longer can his idiot teammates play loose and care-free, fucking around knowing that in case things get tough, they can toss it to their main guy and let him go to town. LeBron didn't even let the poor refs give him any calls, for crying out loud!! Even the REFS got let down.
I see the Celts winning tonight, but we shall see. Part 3 shall soon follow, to break down the Orlando Magic romp to the Finals.
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