My Crisis

There's a really good chance I won't want my children to play football.

Those who know me know why that's kind of a big deal. I played football for most of my young life, from middle school through college. I have life-long friends because of football. The sport helped me get into an extremely competitive and challenging academic institution, which in turn assisted me in gaining access to law school, which leads me to where I am today. Some of my fondest memories during law school, in fact, entailed coaching football at South Eugene. When the Saturday mornings are sunny and crisp in October, my instant recollection goes back to when I was 12, playing football on soggy fields before going to Oregon games. I bonded with my mom and dad over Notre Dame and the Denver Broncos, learning at a young age both the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat (and also how to interpret Lou Holtz).

My football career, though brief compared to some, has left me with a legacy of creaking joints, a left shoulder that gives out every now and then, and a neck that tightens up and makes a loud popping noise that kind of freaks me fiancee out...but I never tore any ligaments or suffered any catastrophic injuries. As a lineman, I was rarely exposed to any high-impact collisions aside from the occasional blitzing linebacker with cruel intentions. And even then, I had little or no qualms with cut-blocking, so my bell generally speaking remained un-rung.

And I am fully aware how incredibly fortunate I am. The odds of that happening--of me making it all the way through my senior year of college football without so much as missing a practice--are so staggering when you look at the sheer numbers and percentages of attrition in the sport that I can only surmise that I was blessed with a malleable body, decent balance, and an incredible training staff. (Thanks Steve Graves, head trainer of the CMS Athletic Department.)

I played my last down nearly a decade ago now. Every week, my college team celebrated the biggest hits of the prior game with a video segment labeled "crunches." We oooh'd and ahhh'd at the hellacious hits we inflicted upon opposing players, (disclaimer, this clip includes a guy in college acting like a guy in college) with members of the Crunch Club receiving Nestle Crunch bars, and the Crunch of the Week recipient getting a t-shirt honoring the accomplishment. As players, you love to see the big hits. As players, you love to make the big hits. Part of what is fun about playing football is feeling invincible in your armor and seeing guys fly after contact. It's a thrill.

Yet the older I get, and the more removed I become from playing, the more what football has become today scares me. From an early age on, kids are getting bigger and faster and stronger at an exponential rate. The J curve in football is shocking to me personally. As a senior at South Eugene High, I was 6'2", 250 pounds. There were not many guys in the Midwestern League bigger than me. Now? I almost guarantee you linemen of that size are the run of the mill in the 6A Southwestern Division. The biggest, fastest, and strongest of those players go on to Division 1 football in college. And the biggest, fastest, and strongest of THOSE progress to the NFL. By the time we get to professional football, we have a league full of incredibly gifted athletes who could, at any given moment, end another man's career with a shot to the head. James Harrison has stated that he's considering early retirement because he doesn't want to get fined over what he considers to be the way you're supposed to play football.

He's not exactly wrong, and I can't exactly blame him. That's how it's been marketed, coached, and played for as long as I can recall. (Consider that Harrison was fined $75,000 for his hits on Mohammed Massaquoi and Josh Cribbs this weekend, but that the NFL is selling the officially licensed photo of his hit on Massaquoi. Explain that message to me.)

Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN.com has been on top of the concussion discussion in football all season long, and he, along with writers such as Bill Simmons, has been decrying how the institution must change from the ground up if we are to continue playing a game that so many Americans love without seriously placing everyone's well-being at risk. Age levels that most urgently need state of the art equipment protecting their brains--children--can't afford this equipment in leagues unless participation costs are to sky-rocket. The coaching at these young ages is typically about as advanced and skilled as the parents willing to volunteer their time to organize practices and orange slices happen to be. Old-fashioned blocking and tackling techniques have been largely replaced as you get into high school and up by highlight-reel collisions and blindside impacts. Without blaming the media and older players too much for not "setting a better example," blah blah blah (and there certainly is merit to that point), we all have to recognize that teenagers are going to do what they can to get noticed and get props from their peers. The loudness of a hit captures the imagination of a 16 year old football player much more easily that the soundness and angular perfection of a stock block on a cornerback.

So much is made about the foundation of football, and the tough guys from the days of yore; names like Ditka, Nitschke, Butkus, Night Train Lane, Deacon Jones, and Mean Joe Greene. We glorify how the game wasn't "sissified" back then. About how they were warriors and didn't need all this protection. Look at these veterans now. Many died early as a result of the physical punishment they received. Many of those who linger on suffer early-onset dementia. Mike Webster, one of the best centers in the history of football, died alone in his car homeless under a bridge in downtown Pittsburgh. Andre Watters, renowned for his hard hitting when he roamed the defensive backfield in Philadelphia, killed himself some say because of the mental anguish and torment he was enduring losing his faculties so soon in life. Every day we hear more stories about retired veterans who actually sustained more concussions than even they knew when they played. "Concussions" as we know them today were not part of the football lexicon then.

And those men PALE in comparison to the speed and strength of their modern-day counterparts. Equipment and sports medicine have advanced in space-age ways to try to protect the health and well-being of these athletes. We can now literally put an entire player's spinal cord on ice instantly through chilled saline injections in cases of spinal or cervical fracture, helping stave of once-certain paralysis. But there's no way to keep a brain from rattling inside someone's head. The more we learn about the science and physics of head injuries, the more scary the information seems. Harrison is frustrated right now, because he is not out on the field trying to maim anyone. He's played football one way his entire life, and he's come from literally nowhere to become a defensive MVP and handsomely paid man by hitting hard and playing ferociously. The NFL, through mixed messages and convoluted actions, has given him and every other hitter in the league notice that their trademark is about to be revoked....at least publicly.

But how can anything actually change? Referees are now authorized to eject players for hits to the head, but none of them will. With the speed of todays game, refs would have to review most hard collisions on video to see whether a player led with his helmet, connected with the other player's helmet, or visually seemed hell-bent on doing so. Refs just won't. The culture has shifted already in the league somewhat, with players becoming more career-savvy, and head-hunter icons like Jack Tatum fading into obscurity; you no longer actually get paid based on your capacity to injure someone else. But that doesn't stop the highlights. Will ESPN be instructed not to play up huge hits? They have to attract viewers. Will college teams stop ooohing and ahhhhhing over bone-jarring shots? These are testosterone driven 21 year old men. Don't hold your breath.

Simmons half-jokingly has suggested weight limits in football. That said, however, most of the damaging head shots in football don't come from the big guys. We're usually not limber enough or fast enough to meet vulnerable targets head to head in the open field. Weight limits position by position? That's a possibility. But then we slide down that slippery slope of dangerous eating disorders....which could open up a gigantic can of worms as far as the examples being set for impressionable young athletes. Easterbrook wants everyone to shift the focus back on body tackles, wrapping up, grabbing cloth, etc. etc.

Listen, I don't know what the answer is, clearly. I know I don't want parents to get in fights in the stands over hard hits during a pee wee football game. I know that rule changes, possibly such as no hitting until a receiver has two feet on the ground, sound good in theory, but are nearly impossible in reality, and might not change anything anyway. I also know that NFL players are all doing something they've dreamed about since they were kids. They would never trade spots with me. They assume the risks of injury when they go out on the field, and they have each other's livelihoods in their hands every Sunday.

When the time comes and my sons (or daughters, if they really want to) have to make choices about what sports they play, I won't forbid them from playing the sport I loved playing, and the sport I enjoy following so much. I'll teach them as best I can. I'll give them whatever information makes sense to their little heads....but if they're tall, let's just say I'm going to actively imbue them with the sense of how awesome squeaking sneakers sound on hard wood, how to shoot free throws with their eyes closed and listen for that swish, and how to dribble with both hands by the team they're 3.

American style, Baby!

Watch this.

So my question to the author of that video would be this:
If you do not know the truth, then how can you know that nobody else does either?

I think that is a major problem with our modern American mindset. We assume that all people are equal. Not created equal, but in the here and now, at this moment, equal. That your idea and my idea are equally valid. That everyone’s idea’s are equally valid. I find this to be madness.

For starters, let me state that I do not believe in thought policing. People, as long as they don’t violate the rights of others, should be able to believe what they want. You want to think the earth is flat? Go for it. That life randomly came together for no reason at all and against the laws of thermodynamics? Sure, why not? That a girl no older than 16 gave birth to a baby without having sex? Hell, I’m already on that bandwagon! My point is, as long as your thoughts and beliefs don’t lead to harming another, I don’t care what you believe. That’s betwixt you and the Lord Almighty.

The problem in our society is that we’ve lost the ability to differentiate between tolerating the beliefs of others and validating them. That I can no longer accept your belief without also accepting it as true, at least in some way (your truth). I can believe that the Jesus Christ will return to judge the living and the dead, but only if I also accept that my neighbor believes that there is no God and we’re all just automatons. All opinions are equally valid because we are all equal. And if all opinions are equally valid, then all opinions are equally false.

For instance, I can say that all people must breath in oxygen to survive. No matter what you believe, that is a universal. What I cannot really say, is that JC will return to judge the living and the dead because that would mean that he is going to judge my good neighbor who just happens to be Buddhist. And that would be imposing my beliefs upon my Buddhist friend. So the judging of the living and the dead isn’t really true, as contrasted with the need for oxygen. In is, in real terms, a false statement. Oxygen applies to everyone, JC applies only to those who want him to. Jesus will not really return to judge the living and the dead.

So now that everyone’s belief is equally valid, and therefore equally invalid, we can make the short jump to stating that nobody knows the truth. That all beliefs are, ultimately, false. If they were true, in the same way that need for oxygen is true, then they would be universal. There would be no dissent. And since there is dissent, quite clearly there is no real truth. There is whatever you choose to believe. That’s your truth. That’s your lie. Richard Dawkins, the atheist, can make the argument that because there are multiple religions, that therefore disproves religion (ignoring all the while the various forms atheism takes, which would invalidate his own beliefs if he followed his logic through). The ultimate escape of the multiple equal beliefs allows anyone who wants an escape from an ultimate.

And ultimately, I believe that is a mistake. If there is truth, then it can be discovered. Western civilization was built on this idea, among others. That there is an overarching truth, whatever it may be, would seem to me to be a simple enough conclusion. There is a reality that exists, and there is a statement of truth that most corresponds to that reality. What that reality is may be contested. However, the idea that this truth not only isn’t known, but cannot be known strikes me as madness. It is an appeal to and desire for base ignorance. As long as the truth is unknown, or at least unproven, we should strive to discover it. To throw up our hands in defeat and act as though this is a profound idea just seems silly to me.

After all, we’re all going to die someday. Then the metanarrative will be all that mattered.

2003 versus Chris Fender: this time it's for blood!

Recently, Chris Fender tried to make the argument that Hakeem was the last NBA player to win a title by himself. When he was forced to admit that he was wrong, he tried to argue that Duncan had the advantage because Duncan had Popovich as a coach. My contention is this:

Fender is dumb and cannot research his childhood memories. Not only did Hakeem not win the title alone, he shouldn’t have won it at all. He was a fluke.

First, let’s encapsulate Duncan’s 2003 run. He had a 20 year old Tony Parker (who routinely lost crunch time minutes to Speedy Claxton. Yeah, Speedy Claxton). A rookie Manu Ginobili who hurt his ankle halfway through the season and averaged 7.6 ppg on the season. David Robinson who had already admitted he was retiring at years end (and averaged a dominant 9 and 8 that year). Know who the three and four scorers on this team were? Stephen Jackson and Malik Rose. Yeah.

Their playoff run started with a Suns team that featured a young Amare, Joe Johnson, and Marion (and a still sane Marbury who would give them 22 and 8 on the season), though in all honesty, they were 2 years and a rat-faced point guard away from being good. A lucky, banked-in three at the buzzer was the only reason it went six. However, after that was the three-time defending champs in the form of the LA Lakers (who the spurs crushed in LA in game 6). Then came the Dallas Mavericks featuring Steve Nash, Nowitzki, and Michael Finley before he died. The finals featured Ason Kidd, and while that team was a let-down after the previous two, many people had clamored for him to win the MVP over Duncan, which made Timmy’s 21-20-10-8 that much more fun. Point being, check the opponents. Duncan went through two legit teams, including the Shaq-Kobe grouping.

Now, let’s look at Hakeem. His team is an interesting comparison to Duncan’s 2003 in that it featured young guys who we all (NOW) remember as pretty great (Robert Horry and Sam Cassell) and some aging vets. The Rockets also featured 3 other players averaging more than 10 points aside from their centerpiece. Otis Thorpe even managed to average a double double (14/11) for the season. In the two comparable seasons, the talent was similar around them.

However, when we get to the playoffs, the vast, vast difference in what the 2 accomplished becomes blatant.

As much as the suns were a year away, the Trailblazers were just terrible. Remember Clifford Robinson? He led the team in scoring at 20.1 points a game. Harvey Grant was the only player to average more than 7 rebounds a game. In a weird note, he was also the highest paid player on the team (WTF Fender!). And the coach was playoff guru Rick Adelman. I would say this team was actually worse than that suns team. Though it’s close.

The next round brought on the defending conference champion Phoenix Suns. Still a very potent team, featuring Sir Charles, Kevin Johnson, and Cedric Ceballos (19.1ppg), not to mention Thunder Dan Majerle. This was a team that led the league in scoring (though they were 14/27 in points given up, technically putting them in the bottom half of the league). Point being, this was a very legitimate team. However, there are two points to make here:

The first point is that the Suns chocked this series away. They went into Houston and won the first two games, only to go home and lose two and then game five in Houston. They won game 6, but then lost game 7 for a very simple reason: teams that live and die by the jump shot ultimately die by the jump shot (a lesson Phoenix would forget). In game 7, Thunder Dan Majerle shot 3 of 11, Sir Charles was 9/19, and Kevin Johnson shot a gentlemen’s 9 for 22. Hakeem finished with 37 points on 33 shots, 17 boards, and 5 assists. Seeing as how he only had three blocks, that must mean that the big 3 for Phoenix managed to miss 28 shots all by themselves. In face the Suns as a whole missed 50 shots and shot 39.8%. Hakeem was good, but this wasn’t a one man win (especially since Sam Cassell chipped in 22), it was a three man failure.

The second point to remember is that while this suns team was good, it was not the defending champ. The Lakers were. And Timmy beat them in 6 games, not seven. For comparisons sake, Timmy had 37 points on 25 shots (giggle), 16 rebounds, and 4 assists. So again, I would give the edge to Duncan’s accomplishment over Hakeem’s.

Next came the Utah Jazz. Another team that was simply a couple years away and would get their revenge later (again mirroring Dallas who would eventually defeat San Antonio en route to a finals loss. The difference of course is that Timmy avenged that and won another title, unlike Hakeem). However, one man wins? In game one Hakeem outscored Kenny the Jet by 4 points. It took him 6 more shots. Oh yeah, he had 6 rebounds in 44 minutes. Game 2 was a 41-13, so no complaints there. Game 3 was a 29-13. Game 4, however, was a 16-9 (on 6-18 shooting). And game 5 was a 22-10 that saw Robert Horry score as many points as Hakeem.

To be fair, against the Mavericks Timmy had a 40-15 game one (on 20 shots(giggle)), a 32-15 game 2, a 34-24 game 3, a 21-20 game 4, a 23-15 game 5, and 18-11 in the clincher. Again , huge edge Timmy.

Finally, we come to what truly separates these two men from the losers we’ve brushed over already (Malone, Barkley, the city of Portland). Their MVP performances in the Finals.

I won’t bother defending Timmy’s performance. I’ll simply post this link, and this line:
21-20-10-8.

Here’s the problem. That finals that made Hakeem a winner? The wrong team won.

Okay, not really. Both teams took the court and played their hearts out and blah blah. However, the Rockets winning was a gigantic fluke. Everyone knows the story. John Starks shot 2-18, including 0-11 from 3. John Starks took 5.7 threes a game that year. He hit at 33.5% that year, so even if you prorate that, that’s 3-11 and the Knicks win. John Starks shot 42% from the field that year. The sad thing is, John Starks never recovered. His ppg dropped from 19 that year to 15.3 the next to 12.6 the next. This was the greatest individual failure in NBA history, comparable to tragic events such as Norwood and Mitch Williams. Hakeem didn’t win the title, he was the lucky beneficiary of the greatest meltdown in NBA finals history. When someone loses the title, which is what Starks and Riley (who let him keep playing) did, somebody has to be lucky enough to win it. Right time, right place.

And that’s ultimately the difference between Duncan and Hakeem. Hakeem got lucky. Starks shoots 2-11, it’s tied at the end. He shoots 3-11, Ewing has a ring. You cannot say that about Duncan. He won every series decisively. 15 years later, isn’t that what that game 7 is truly remembered for? Starks’ failure? Nobody remembers what Hakeem did. Because he didn’t define the game. Someone else did. He just got a pretty ring for all of it. You cannot say that about Duncan. There is no series he should have lost. There is no moment that could have changed that playoff run and taken away his ring.

Well, except for Horry’s shot…
And Nowitzki’s injury…
Then again, did I mention Jordan’s retirement?

PS: in my research I have discovered that Kenyon Martin shot 3-23 in the final game of the 2003 finals. This is totally different than Starks for two reasons:
1. Timmy was guarding Martin and thus should even get extra credit. No wonder he had 8 blocks...
2. Hakeem was not guarding Starks. Especially out at the 3 point line where he was 0-11. I award him no points for this and may god have mercy on his soul.

PPS: in that link I posted where Duncan is rated 3rd best all time, the 1994 Hakeem is rated 5. I feel vindicated.

LeBronicle of a Death Foretold

Taylor and Jimbo both make lucid, relevant arguments in their perspectives on what is the most impactful free agent move in professional sports since Barry Bonds went to the Giants, the most revolutionary move since Reggie White went to the Packers, and the most high-profile move since Reggie Jackson went to the Yankees. It could be easily argued the most important player transaction ever. LeBron’s ultimate decision to “take his talents to South Beach” simultaneously eroded the basketball media focus on the shores of Lake Erie and centered it squarely on the tip of the nation’s wang for at least another 5 years, barring injury or trades or Cleveland fans being even crazier than we fear. It ignited the kind of vitriol and bile that those same fans typically reserved for the Steelers, Bengals, or Modells; but in this one unique instance, directed it squarely upon the head of what we now know is a 25 year old kid who just wanted to step out and take a massive step back.

THE EXPECTATIONS UPON LEBRON

I’ve posted that Cleveland Tourism video a bunch of different times just because I love it so much. It typifies the self-mocking awareness that the four of us are pretty good about, and it sadly illuminates several depressing things about Cleveland. A) Despite Drew Carey, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, a fairly pleasant Waterfront, and two pretty nice sporting venues, it’s Rust Belt. It just is. Its citizens carry that with them, and there are parts of town that just plain suck. That an entire CITY should place its hopes upon one individual athlete for relief or distraction says as much about the power of sports in this country as the disparate and out of whack priorities we can easily misshape. ESPN has quoted some “experts” as estimating that the business parks around Quicken Loans Arena stand to lose a total of perhaps $40 mil. In revenue without people Witnessing LeBron lead a fledgling group of NBA also-rans. So, as the clip says, the economy theoretically WAS based on LeBron James. Welcome to Cleveland, House of Cards.

Cavs fans, this is not the Mark Price, Brad Daugherty, Larry Nance, Craig Ehlo era. You can argue that there was a time when pro sports were more or less college with a pay check, and guys formed a close-knit camaraderie with their town and fans. I truly feel empathetic that so many Clevelanders seem disillusioned by this crash-course on modern professional sports, but for a variety of reasons, that is simply not the case anymore, and hasn’t been since the late 90’s. (Unless you happen to have played for San Antonio since then.) ESPN, NBA TV, Collective Bargaining wrestling matches, blogs, diversified economic opportunities, and a generation of fatherless superhuman athletes have all contributed to an NBA that we as fans should ALL only expect to be governed by dollars and cents. Some players will chase their money the dignified way, through seeking a viable winning opportunity, and others cough Amare cough will just go for the bright lights and the easy paycheck; but either way, recognize that players are going to do whatever the hell they can do to maximize their profits and exposure when they can, as long as they can.

Why should more be expected of LeBron than the standard mercenary dynamic that every other free agent athlete encounters and to which, for all intents and purposes, he is entitled to? Is it really fair for fans to have expected LeBron to single-handedly (literally) change the city’s athletic fortunes?

WHERE HAS LEBRON’S HEAD BEEN?

It seems clear that part of the dyspepsia surrounding LeBron’s flight from Cleveland is the sense that the city somehow had ownership of him, or felt akin to him, because of his local roots. Hey, I’ll admit, I thought it was pretty neat that the guy went to the same high school as my grandma and my aunt. I liked being able to say that I had some stupid, ancillary, remote connection to what might be the most physically dynamic basketball player we’ll ever see. Northeast Ohio has been in rapture for the last 10 years over the fact that the best basketball player in the world was right in its own backyard, was born of its own slums and poverty, and might lead it to the promised land for the first time ever. It’s a wonderfully romantic notion; it really is.

One problem: Did LeBron ever want that? Throughout his high school career, his team flew all over the country to play in high profile tournaments against stiff competition so that everyone could see him; so that he could reach beyond Akron. He even PETITIONED THE NBA to allow him to enter the draft before he graduated HIGH SCHOOL. LeBron wanted out. He wanted much more than this provincial life. I like Akron and Cleveland, I loved visiting family there…but I got to leave. Jimbo can vouch for this, Northeast Ohio ain’t all that great. It ain’t Columbus, where there’s at least a vibrant college presence. LeBron was building his resumé, getting ready to take the world by storm and take his homies and his mom with him. And then something funny happened on the way to the stage: Cleveland won the lottery. So yeah, LeBron got to be “King of Ohio” by default. But you cannot convince me that was his choice. Especially not now. Cap this off by his mom humiliating him by letting Delonte West, of all people, pound her like fresh schnitzel. I mean, an actual NBA player, I could maybe see, but you’re going to ruin your son by getting down with a scrub? A scrub TEAMMATE? I mean shit, that’d be like Gocong’s mom hooking up with…….well, I’ll just say it. Owen. He never reads our stuff anyway. LeBron wanted the HELL out of that area.

WHAT WAS DONE TO KEEP LEBRON?

This is a tough question, and you could very well be right, JImbo, in saying that it wouldn’t have mattered. As I outlined above, I think there’s an excellent chance LeBron wanted to kiss Cleveland goodbye no matter what was going to happen. He got his MVPs, made his name, and it was time to cash in and go somewhere fun and exciting. BUT, I believe we all agree the front office did a piss-poor job constructing a team that could realistically be depended upon to help LeBron achieve his goals and the city’s goals. Hakeem Olajuwon in ’93-’94 might be the first and last time that a basketball player actually won an NBA title all by himself. (OK, so he got some help from Jon Starks.)

The Cavs have been financially relieved by LeBron’s betrayal, but they were otherwise completely strapped for cash, and seemed to miss out on EASY trade options when they had the opportunity over LeBron’s tenure. The most recent and obvious one is when they had Shaq gift-wrapped to them by the Suns but refused to pull the trigger because they were afraid of “chemistry issues.” Huh, funny, because after Shaq was a year older and heavier, they didn’t seem to have such qualms. FAT lot of good their timidity did them. Wally Szczerbiak’s expiring contract was the kind of piece that a serious franchise would have shopped, and Cleveland did nothing. Understand that free agents do not want to come to Cleveland, Ohio; just like they don’t want to come to Portland, Oregon. Such locations are the stuff of sign-and-trades, shrewd role player acquisitions, and fortuitous draft slots. (deep, deep sigh)

LeBron was in a situation this past year where he would not win a title in Cleveland going further. Would. Not. I don’t care how “close” people want to say the team was, or how many regular season games they won. Understand that the real NBA teams only kind of give a shit during the regular season. The Bronettes demonstrated regularly that they were not up to par with the rigors of NBA playoff basketball. LeBron is a gifted passer, and has wanted people he COULD defer to at the end of games, but his cast of flotsom and jetsom excelled at missing open looks.

THAT SAID, Jim is right that this is largely LeBron’s fault. He could have been the ultimate Cleveland ambassador if he wanted. He could have convinced his boys to give Cleveland a shot, shown them that a strip club is a strip club is a strip club, romanced them with notions of bringing championships to a city so crazed for success that they could probably run for office and win without opposition if they just brought a trophy home. Not only was LeBron dilatory in doing that, but he actually torpedoed any hope of the Cavs acquiring important pieces through his open vagueness and non-committal nature toward his future with the city.

Let’s put it this way. Everyone knew that Kim was going to fuck me over. Didn’t matter what I tried or what I did, she was going to royally screw me over and walk out. Everyone else knew it but me. Could I have done something to stop her? Maybe go to law school in southern cal? Maybe not take an extra year of grad school? Yeah, sure, but she sure as shit sealed the deal through her various maneuvers, didn’t she? I feel secure in saying LeBron James knew all along exactly what he was going to want to do.

HAS LEBRON RUINED HIS BRAND?

LeBron has said he wants to be the first billionaire athlete. Many people, including MSNBC’s Darren Rovell, have postulated that to do that, he must take full advantage of the Chinese market. China has 300 million basketball players; a figure that grows every day. (We have 300 million CITIZENS.) Next to Yao, Kobe is the biggest bball star in China. He KILLS LeBron over there. The Chinese like champs. And other Chinese. Duh. LeBron had to win titles to capitalize on that potential Nike marketing goldmine. To this point, his marketing his been……well fine, I guess; if you ignore that amazingly insipid and unoriginal McDonald’s “dunking” commercial with Dwight Howard. But Bron has to kick it up a notch to get to where he wants to be.

Financially, the Miami Trinity could accomplish just that. They’re gonna be a damn NBA boy band. Back to school folders, tshirts, lunch boxes, Miami Heat the FLAAAAAME THROWER!!!!!!!! The Merchandise possibilities are endless (if they can win and look good doing it). Chris Bosh will end up being the quiet sensitive one, LeBron will be the Donnie Wahlberg, and Dwyane Wade will be the Justin Timberlake of the whole bit. Oh, right, and billions of Chinese kids will find a way to buy LeBron’s shoes. Again, if LeBron can win titles. His brand is potentially in tact and healthier than ever with the added publicity possibilities of this whole circus and his new team’s star power.

HAS LEBRON RUINED HIS “LEGACY?”

That all depends. If LeBron’s legacy was going to be defined by winning a championship in Cleveland all by himself, then yes—though his legacy would go unfulfilled anyway; and he’d be in that dastardly Barkley/Malone/Ewing territory. What do we want from LeBron? Did we want him to overtake all other stars who’d gone before him? Re-write the way basketball is played? Did we actually want to embrace someone who would have to win a title WITHOUT a team? Call me old-fashioned, but that sounds ludicrous and mind-bogglingly boring to watch. (Not unlike the Cavs this year.)

It is altogether fascinating that so many people are disappointed that LeBron might end up not being what they wanted him to become “for himself.” Please. Crock. ‘O. Shit. The Legacy of LeBron James was always going to be that he’s a hall of fame once-in-a-generation talent who combined the physical imposition of Karl Malone, the passing eye of Magic, and the aerial exploits of MJ. As for his indominable will and conviction? Yet to be measured. Remember, kid’s 25. He’s a pup. He’s got formative years below us to account for.

Will he ever be considered an alpha dog along the lines of MJ, Magic, Bird, Russell, et al? Well, if you believe the pundits, no. His lot has been cast because he’s playing with D. Wade. And that could be true. But we don’t know yet, and it seems somewhat premature and, dare I say it, unfair to rake him over hot coals just because he wanted to play with another transcendent talent. In what other medium would an artist or entertainer be openly questioned for wanting to collaborate? It’s been accurately pointed out that MJ wanted to beat all the other starts. That’s fine. LeBron’s not MJ. There. Done. He’s gone so far as to say that all others should bow before the shrine of MJ and never wear #23. MJ was a colossal prick who hated everyone and pummeled others into submission in part because he was such a cantankerous competitor. That’s not LeBron.

LeBron wants friends. He wants running mates. Anyone who’s seen that show about his high school days and has heard the murmurs about his posse knows that he likes being surrounded. He’s cultivated his own “family.” That can make purists sick who long for the days of Laimbeer and Parrish duking it out, but that’s not LBJ. He likes to make the highlights and get his teammates in on the action. He’ll average a triple double and be ok with the legacy of one of the most talented players ever; and potentially a champion several times over. There’s your legacy, and there’s his ambition.

LEBRON’S A GIANT SANCTIMONIOUS DOUCHE BAG, OR MAYBE JUST STUPID. WAIT DID I SAY LEBRON? I MEANT DAN GILBERT.

Whatever, they both are.

Enough has been said about “The Decision.” Big mistake on ESPN’s part, though I’m sure they’re apologizing all the way to the bank. LeBron looked utterly callous and shallow with this whole thing; especially by hiding behind little kids. Listen dude, if you’re gonna be an egomaniac, just do it. Walk out with the WWE Heavyweight champ belt around your waist under the old Goldberg pyro with “Move Bitch” blasting. Air it on BET if you want. Just don’t hide behind little kids. Maverick Carter thinks he’s some sort of mover and shaker. No, he’s a blood-sucking leach affixed to your underbelly who’s watched one too many entourage episodes. This move demonstrates that. Cleveland’s livid, and everything I said above notwithstanding, they have a right to be. They got dragged through the mud all summer and then slapped on national tv. That just kinda sucks. I understand why you left, and I think it’s unreasonable for a fan base to think that they have any stake in you or that you OWE them more than what you’ve given them. (Though let’s be real, you sucked ass on purpose in the playoffs. Gonna have to live that one down for a while.) You clearly don’t understand people though if you think the “real fans” are going to wish you well. No, people like me might wish you well and think that this is part of your right as a talented artist in your field. REAL FANS want you to get injured. They’re irrationally pissed off. That’s what REAL FANS are thinking. You don’t have any REAL FANS in Cleveland anymore.

This much was made clear by Dan Gilbert. His petulant tirade, however, just comes across looking and reading like a jilted lover. All four contributors to this blog have at one time or another been burned by a woman. We all know what it feels like, and we all know what it can take to get over something like that. But how about some dignity, Dan, huh? You have to keep it together for the kids, buddy. I know the fans love your email, because it sounds as crazy as they do, but do you actually want to stoop to that level? It’s one thing to be “of the fans.” It’s quite another thing to be “like the fans.” You’re a wealthy owner of a professional franchise. Act like one. LeBron was a free agent. He had the right to leave.

He certainly could and should have demonstrated some professional tact and communicated with you before making a spectacle of himself on TV and tearing Cleveland’s proverbial still-beating basketball heart out, considering you’ve forked out a small fortune to him over the past seven years and given his boys the run of the stadium. As a mere token of appreciation, he truly should have at least called and said thank you before leaving.

But now the Cavs have their rallying cry; and I have to give Gilbert a whole lot of credit for asking fans who wanted to pay for his fine to instead donate to the Cavs’ children’s fund. Take that LeBron.

WHERE NOW?

Cleveland should realize that they’re the NBA hard-luck darlings right now. Everyone outside of Miami feels for them and is going to be rooting for them next season. It’s not unlike when your friend gets publicly scorched by a girl. Everyone who’s buddies with him is actively rooting for him to get up, dust himself off, and get back on the horse. Cleveland’s got that vibe. They have no expectations next year. They can play and have fun, have promotions with fans to foster that communal healing process going on right now, rebuild a HEALTHY fan base for the team, and rediscover a rich basketball culture that I remember vividly from the early 90s and late 80s. Basketball existed in Cleveland before LeBron, and while it won’t be anywhere near a championship level in the foreseeable future, basketball will continue without him.

I personally think LeBron made the wrong decision in choosing Miami over Chicago, where he had a natural fit and a ready-made roster to win titles for YEARS. But, I understand why he did it. He loves being surrounded by friends, and c’mon, it’s South Beach. You’re telling me if you’re a rich, good-looking, powerful 25 year old man, you wouldn’t want to live in Miami? If people want to condemn LeBron for not sticking it out in misery and hopefully winning one for the hometown, I think they’re wrong, but I get it. If they want to condemn him for opting to play with another alpha dog and presumably taking a second-banana role, I would ask why it matters. If they want to say he’ll never win in Miami, I would openly debate that with them. However, if they want to tell me that he demonstrated an alarming amount of immaturity and an even more alarming lack of perspective and comprehension of the consequences of his actions, they have me on board. LeBron, we’ll all be watching this experiment.

Game on.

LeBron will never be a winner

(Editor's note. Fedor is awesome.)

LeBron didn’t have to make this move. Let’s go over the points one by one.

1.) CAN YOU WIN IN CLEVELAND: Should Gilbert have fired Mike Brown and Danny Ferry after 2008? Absolutely. But in the meantime, he gave LeBron total run of the building, including allowing his titanic entourage access to everything. Opinion is divided on how much effect LeBron had on the roster, although it is clear that he recruited the washed-up Ben Wallace; what is clear is that Dan Gilbert was prepared to give LeBron everything moving forward from THIS year. So yeah, sure, Jordan had a better front office, but when did that front office really swing into action? Six years into his career. LeBron’s in year seven. This isn’t someone like Garnett, a tenacious defensive player struggling on a godawful franchise over which he had no control for over a decade. This was one of the three most recognizable athletes on the planet, worth half a billion dollars at the age of 25. It’s not as though LeBron was like Garnett and needed the fame, or like Kareem and needed a big market, or needed more endorsement money. He does nothing in Miami that he could not have done in Cleveland except get a better chance to win this year, and this year only, before the lockout. To say that a 25 year old man who was about to be given total control of a basketball franchise would “never have won” is laughable, especially when the city, the owner and the commissioner were hell-bent on getting him a championship to sell merchandise and increase everyone’s bottom lines.

2.) WHAT HE DID TO THE CITY OF CLEVELAND: Reams have been written on this. I can’t add anything to it except that this wasn’t a scripted wrestling “heel” turn that needed to happen. It was the most spectacularly ungrateful thing to a city that has put him on a pedestal since the age of 14. You can say he didn’t want it, but if that had been the case, he wouldn’t have played and made a fortune off of their adoration. Adrian Wojnarowski may have said it best, when he said “Leaving never would’ve been easy, but he went out of his way to humiliate them. Now, Clevelanders truly see it for themselves: He was a fan of the Cowboys, the Yankees – never the Browns and Indians. He was a frontrunner.”

Whatever vendetta LeBron had with the front office, why did he go out of his way to do that to his fans? The “motivation” theory just doesn’t hold water – if you watched his announcement, there’s no way that he or anyone thought this thing through well enough to calculate that this “had” to happen to drive him to the next level. Jordan was universally adored from moment one, but he wanted to beat the hell out of everyone too. Kobe was motivated to win without Shaq; he just wasn’t mature enough to do it and didn’t have the cast until these last two years. No basketball superstar in history has ever changed their mentality. In a sport that you play from the age of six, you are either wired a certain way or you aren’t. And LeBron’s reaction to Gilbert’s remarks and his genuine surprised at Cleveland fans burning his stuff means he genuinely thought he was loved enough to put on this absurd three month drama, poison his team’s chances for next year, hold a press conference in his own city while ESPN fellated him, announce this decision and walk away unscathed. You either have it or you don’t, and LeBron genuinely isn’t a killer. He’s not going to get it because everyone hates him now; especially since the remaining 9% of the population that follows basketball will forgive him if he starts winning.

This brings me to my final point, which is

3.) WHAT MAKES A WINNER: Winners don’t just follow the same rubric that came before and wait to be anointed. Winners make their own goddamn rubric. Take boxing. Everyone prior to Ali was compared to Dempsey. No one called out their opponents and then destroyed them like that. No one had the breathtaking audacity to make people hate them and then back it up. Ali was a symbol of race, religion and unparalleled confidence; not since Jack Johnson had anyone so violated the code of conduct in professional sports. At the time, he redefined what it meant to be a winner. But now, forty years later, it’s been done to death. Every chest thumping moron with heavy fists tries to channel “float like a butterfly,” and instead looks like a wannabe trying to make a name for himself by leeching someone else’s schtick. The only people they impress are the insecure and the easily swayed. Contrast that with someone like Fedor Emelianenko, a man of dignity and faith who respects his opponent, gives back to the community and lives an austere life devoted to his family and hometown. He’s got the most incredible record in MMA and has beaten every champion of his time, and been a man to emulate in both victory and defeat. Will he ever be as known as a Lesnar or an Ali? Certainly not in America, and probably not worldwide. But had he signed a contract with the right people, you’d better believe he would have been known. And he wouldn’t have changed his style to fit what a winner was “supposed” to look like. I know who I’ll tell my children to emulate, and who was the real winner.

Jordan won six titles? Great. He apparently defined what it means to be a winner in basketball. But ironically, Jordan is an abject failure in life at everything except dribbling a ball. He’s a failed gambler, a failed husband, a failed community man, a failure at every other sport he tried, a failed investor and a failed parent. He humiliated himself with his late-career dalliances in Washington, proved himself to be totally inept and management and gave a Hall of Fame induction speech that should be required reading for all of the lunatics who keep his fame and cash flow alive, and in doing so keep alive the NBA culture that ignores every form of debauchery and off-court asshattery in favor of titles and money. If that’s the greatest winner a sport has ever had, it is a sad, sad sport. And yet everyone keeps trying to catch him. Why? I’m unsure. Even if you do catch him in rings, the comparison will be endless. So why not invent your own standard?

LeBron had a chance to do what few people get to do – actually redefine what it means to win. Highly accomplished rich black athletes are everywhere in sports. What’s LeBron going to do now, get more points? More rings? Throw better parties? Have more illegitimate children? How on earth will that make him any different than any other zillionaire sports asshole? Instead of raising a generation of young men, many of whom, like him, don’t have father figures, to go to clubs and have sex with groupies and spend money in obscene ways on “friends” whose sole virtue is their existence, he could have broken the mold. He could have shown how a man can use his money well in a depressed community, how honor is more important than victory, how, even in a league where everyone around him is behaving a certain way, even the “heroes,” he was strong enough to change the game off the court as well, something Jordan could never do. Sure, maybe the sycophants who consume merchandise from the NBA wouldn’t have appreciated something like that today, or maybe even ever. But he was one of the rare few who could have tried, who had a shot to pull the NBA and its fans back from the me-first pseudo-alpha-male model of instant gratification that has come to embody a pathetic, unsustainable way of life for an entire generation.

So it goes without saying, therefore, that, after Thursday’s “Decision” and the way he handled it, no matter what he wins now he’ll never be a real winner.

Lebron's only chance

I don’t understand the common lament. Everywhere I read, I hear about how Lebron has passed on his chance for greatness by playing for the heat. And I don’t get the argument. As far as I can tell, this is the only way for Lebron to truly be great. And I don’t mean that he needs Dwayne Wade to help him win titles, I mean that this series of events, or ones very similar, were the only way Lebron was ever going to go from a Malone/Drexler/Barkley statistical stud who has no great post-season moment to a Jordan/Kobe/Duncan level postseason juggernaut. The only way he was ever going to truly be great. Staying in Cleveland would have doomed his career.

Let’s start with the objections to his career so far.

People argue that he won’t be great because he didn’t play for the same team for his whole career. So Kareem isn’t one of the ten best players ever? Because he switched teams. The truth is, most players in the NBA don’t change teams because of the economics of the league. Simply put, teams cannot pay you what your current team can pay you. It’s not even close. So as long as a player is competitive, why would they ever change? In fact, isn’t Kevin Garnett’s career permanently stained because he stayed in the same wrong situation for way too long? And I say that as a Duncan fan. My point is, playing for the same team your whole career is nice. Nice for the fans, nice for your family, and just nice in general. That does not make you great though. If Lebron wins four titles in Miami, playing for the same team won’t make any difference, just like it didn’t for Kareem.

Another argument is that Lebron is weakening his “legacy” by admitting he needs help. Ummm, duh. How’d Michael Jordan do in the playoffs without Pjax and Scottie Pippen? In fact, what superstar hasn’t needed an all-nba partner? Kobe has had Shaq, Gasol, and Oden. Shaq had Kobe, Penny, and Wade. Even Duncan had ginobili (not quite all-nba, but vastly underrated), Parker, and a past-hit-prime Robinson. Plus, they all had great coaches (Pjax, Pop, and Riley). And I won’t even get into the bevy of roll-players. I’ll just name-drop Robert Horry and leave it at that.

In fact, let’s take it one step farther. At the age of 25, Lebron has already accomplished way more than Jordan did. Of course, Jordan went on to win six titles with the team that drafted him. Why? Because they drafted Pippen and hired Phil Jackson. Now, do you really think the team that hasn’t found one all-star to play with Lebron in 7 years, when he was on a smaller deal and they had cap room, and wouldn’t fire Mike Brown is going to put the players around Lebron that one needs to win a title? You want to know the real difference between Jordan and Lebron? Jordan had a better front office.

That, however, is just a defense . The truth is, Lebron had to leave, and leave in this way, to become what everyone really wants him to become. The thing about him is that he doesn’t have that edge. I know I’m not the first to make this point, so I won’t belabor it. However, what everyone wanted him to do (win a title and save Cleveland, save basketball in NY, etc) was never going to happen because he’s not that person. Much like David Robinson, who was a great player, but could never get San Antonio where they needed to go, Lebron just didn’t have it in him to will his team past an opponent. I’m a Duncan fan, and I’ve seen him do it (2003 was pretty awesome). Guys like Wade and Kobe have the same drive. If you don’t believe me, check out Hollinger’s best finals performances (look at 1 and 3). Those guys want to win more than they want anything else. Lebron doesn’t, and thus he was never going to accomplish those things unless someone came along to do it for him (much like Duncan led Robinson to two titles). He was never going to be great in Cleveland or anywhere else. Malone great maybe, but not great great.

However, recent events have changed all this. See, before he was the darling of the league. The average fan loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to ascend (the fact that we let him refer to himself as King James proves my point). And people who are loved never change. He was never going to develop that edge because nobody would ever force him to. They’d make excuses and forgive him anyways. Again, see Robinson, David. Now, he’s the villain. Now he’s going to be booed, and booed heavily, pretty much everywhere. Oh, people are still going to show up to watch him, but they’re going to root against him. And it’s going to change him.

Oh, not at first. You probably won’t see it this season, maybe towards the end. Eventually, though, it will get to him. Being booed night after night on the road. Booed at the all-star game. Hated in his hometown. This will be too much for anyone to ignore forever. And someone like Lebron, who really just wants to be part of something and be loved, is not going to respond to it well. Eventually the constant stream of hate is going to create in him a resentment or hatred of most fans (not heat fans though. He’ll be overly loyal to them). With apologies to Bill Simmons, it will put him in eff you mode. Finally something will eat at him more than just having fun playing basketball. He’ll finally have a point to make on the court. And then he’ll be great. He will finally have that edge that the great players have. This is the only way he is ever going to be great.

Or maybe I’ve misread him and he’ll always just be Karl Malone 2.0.

Then again, it’s the dawn of the Tiago Splitter era, so maybe it doesn't matter.

Someone Who Mattered

I interrupt my regularly scheduled comments on the LeBrocalypse to talk about something completely different. I sometimes think about my future way down the road; where my life might end up, and what I might do when I'm done doing....whatever it is I end up doing. And, when my life is over, if I can at all be like Bob Hanes, who died recently of liver cancer in Eugene, I hope the good Lord allows me to pass with a smile on my face, because it will be deserved.

(Please note what I'm about to write is solely my perspective on this man's life.)

I've spent three high school football seasons as a line coach for South Eugene in my young adult life. They were challenging, they were rewarding, and they were educational. At the end of each season, I was amazed it was over. At the end of each season, I didn't think I could ever do it again. I saw kids change so much over a 10-11 week span that I didn't want to have to replace those images and memories with new ones. But I know I'm not alone, and I know I'm not special.

Bob Hanes invigorated the South Eugene Athletic Department with his enthusiasm and creepy smirk/smile for nearly as long as I've been alive. That emotional ride I just talked about? Yeah, he went through that for decades. I watched him chuckle when he saw the aftermath of my freshman initiation. He tried in vain to teach the 14 year old me a one-step drop. I caved to his peer pressure and threw shot even though I was terrible. He stood by my side when I sang the national anthem and nearly soiled myself. I watched him help troubled kids in the area learn how to pole vault--one of the single-most terrifying athletic events I could envision (bear in mind I've weighed a lot my entire life), and sat astounded at his saintly patience with mentally and physically challenged people in the South Eugene community as he allowed them to help him clean up pads around the football field on late, foggy nights. He helped me facilitate Hurricane Katrina fundraisers when I was in law school. These were all the things I knew for a fact about Bob Hanes.

This is the legend of Bob Hanes: He was a baker. He operated a vintage vinyl store in Portland, and amassed an immaculate musical collection in his garage. He partied with Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys. He allegedly smoked Steve Prefontaine out before races during Pre's hey-day. These were all the things I came to know or learn about Coach Hanes; about how he lived a textured life.

And here's the best part about Bob Hanes: He had a loving wife. He had three sons. He had six grandkids. And when he was informed 18 months ago that he had an aggressive form of liver cancer, he told those lumps to suck it. Hanes coached pole vault at meets with a chemo pump strapped to his hip and an IV stuck in his chest. His laid back and chill demeanor belied his "f*ck you" determination.

Hanes once made fun of me for my inability to text like the kids. He also showed, without ever making a big deal about it, what it means to be a man.

I'll write about LeBron in a little bit, but for now, I'll write about a guy who never left town. A guy who gave of himself all the way to the end. A true King.

Coach Hanes, ya done good. Now we all know that they play the Beach Boys in Heaven.

Replay should be easy in baseball

Here’s my question about instant replay: Why do the on-field officials have to be the ones to check the video?

The argument about instant replay is that it slows the game? Well, what if the officiating crew were increased by one person who’s job it would always be to monitor every play to check for accuracy. Take baseball for example.

So a close play happens and the team on the short end of the stick comes out to bitch. An argument ensues. Meanwhile, the replay ump is upstairs watching film and makes a decision. He sends it down, and the problem is solved. He doesn’t even have to be a special replay guy. Just expand the ump crew to 5 people. They can rotate each day like they normally do. You don’t need a fucking video specialist to look at the replay, just have a technical engineer up there to control it for him. Shit, that’s how it goes anyways. Normal umps watch the replay until they make a decision. It’s just that waiting for them to go do it wastes time. Add a fifth ump and it’s a quick thing if there’s a play that needs fixing.

Two quick points:

One, on the sanctity of the game. There should only be four umps. Fuck that, they expand to 6 for the post-season anyways, so the four umps shit is nonsense.

Also, you wouldn’t have to wait for a decision. If the ump can’t make a call before the next pitch, then that means that either:

1. Nobody complained, so everyone is fine with the call.

2. He couldn’t find anything since it takes near a minute between batters anyways.

And for those arguing that this leads to LONG arguments to stall for time, have you watched umpires lately? They toss people like it’s nothing. That almost makes it like the challenge system in football. You better be right, cuz if not and you take to long…
YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!


Peace yo!

Brief Preview of the Rest of the NBA Playoffs, part 4

OK, so, I was completely wrong about the NBA semifinals; if you don't count the number of games in each series. My analysis and assumptions about the two losers really could not have been less accurate. My girlfriend could have, without injecting any thought, been more on the ball. As Taylor pointed out, I Simmons'd my picks, to the Nth degree.

"Keith Van Horn is going to emerge as the STAR of STARS! NETS IN SIX!!!!!!!" -Chucky Barkley. Yip, that's how bad I was.

Therefore, I was a chicken sh!t and waited until after game 1 to ruin my predictions. Sorry Laker fans, but I'm picking the purple and gold. Never in my life have I seen a Laker team physically impose themselves on someone, Shaq aside. Boston got straight up jacked, befitting the area near Staples Center. Kobe took their rings, he took their rolex; they glanced at the rapist and said "damn, what's next?" If the Celts are going to bounce back and Paul Pierce is going to not get embarrassed in his old stomping grounds, Nate Dogg and Warren G are gonna indeed have to regulate.

Rondo looked frustrated, Pierce is getting distracted by Artest, Allen is really gonna have to get going and stop committing stupid fouls early in the game, Garnett's gonna have to get Bud Kilmer in the locker room to stick his knee, and between Big Baby, Sheed, and Kendrick Perkins, someone's gonna have to start a fight. (considering Perkins is a T away from being suspended and Big Baby lives up to his name on the daily, safe money's on Sheed, who hates humanity.) That, or they'll need to send Brian Scalabrine out there to make an ass of himself and commit 6 quick, hard fouls on Pau.

They always say the only way to beat a bully is to smack him right in the face right away to make him doubt himself and shake his confidence. Well, the big Russian is cut. Boston might not have expected LA to play with balls, but now they've seen it. The Celts may well make adjustments and come out swinging Sunday evening, and Lord knows they'll have to, but unless Ray Allen ABUSES Derek Fisher all game long, forcing Kobe to guard him and get tuckered out chasing screens, Boston is going down 0-2 heading home. That will be too much of a hole in a series where LA has the superior front 6, and by far the superior #1.

I'm picking LA, and I was going to initially anyway, but let's just make it official. I, Chris Fender, after pulling a Ken Griffey Jr. on the semis, am picking the Lakers in 5. Take that, Laker fans.

Brief Preview of the Rest of the NBA Playoffs, part 3

Well that was interesting....I hadn't even posited this theory for LeBron's meltdown. I'm not sure what movie that would fall in line with. Above the Rim?

We now know at least who the players will be in the NBA East. In what has been a lackluster effort so far in these playoffs overall (even though the whole LeBron mess was compelling theater and it appears to still be getting better), we finally have a chance to separate the wheat from the chaff. As previously noted, the NBA West semis could prove to be an extremely intriguing matchup of contrasts in styles, big names, and blinding action. Good ol' Phil Jackson has also helped stir the pot. The NBA East finals now give us a waking old giant with renewed vigor and confidence from the ouster of the King matched up against a high-octane machine that has not lost yet in the playoffs. Hopefully, things are about to get interesting.

NBA East Finals (Celtics already up 1-0)

Orlando Magic:

I was just fouled by Dwight Howard. Really, the only disappointing thing about the Magic this postseason is that Howard might have actually regressed offensively from the Finals last year where his only move was "HULK SMASH!" Of course, it becomes difficult to develop any low post moves in game situations when you get whistled for your third foul 8 minutes into the game. Howard is anointed as the most valuable member of this team, and certainly, the two-time reigning Defensive Player of the Year can be a difference maker on the defensive end. He can effectively erase possessions by either rejecting weak lay ups that his teammates syphon into him or alter shots so dramatically that they effectively become turnovers; and you are going to have a difficult time wrestling rebounds away from a man whose deltoids are larger than his head. So in that sense, he is the fulcrum of what this team has been able to do overall.

Offensively, however, Dwight Howard cannot carry the Magic. More importantly, I do not think Dwight Howard WANTS to carry the Magic. He still shoots free throws like that scrawny nerdy kid with glasses that nobody would pick on the playground, and he defers incessantly in the 4th quarter. The team has surrounded him with players who can all hit 3s with relative consistency, so it's tailor-made for his deferring, but you have to be somewhat concerned that he doesn't have that dominating gene yet. For that reason, this team is more or less a more athletic, less refined, blurry redux of the Olajuwon Rockets squads who snuck away with two rings while MJ was suspended for gambling.

Jameer Nelson was out last year when the Magic made their Finals run, so Hedo Turkoglu was the ball handler late in games. Let's just say this is an improvement this year...Nelson's been sublime so far, and allows me to further note that I was right when I told Brad Miller the Blazers were pathetic slobbering morons for drafting Sebastian Telfair over him (even though this meant we eventually traded Telfair for Brandon Roy--I was still right, Nelson was better that Telfair). He's perfect for this team, penetrating the perimeter and setting Howard up for monster alley oops and wide open dunks when teams are forced to converge on him. It seems like the better his game gets, the longer that tattoo becomes on his upper back....

Vinsanity is teasing us with some sort of rebirth. I thought this team was done after they replaced Hedo w/ Carter. For years, Vince has personified the fan malaise toward the NBA. He's been a mercenary; a true professional who has cared more about his bottom line than any passionate dedication to the game or its followers. The Vince Carter kids grew up loving died somewhere in Canada and was buried in the frozen tundra. The last time I remember seeing him was All Star weekend my freshman year in college. And now, here he is again. And I've moved on. This is....awkward. Every game seems like "turn back the clock" night for Vince. Who knows, maybe someone actually woke him out of his decade-long funk and pointed out to him this is his first/best shot at actually winning a championship and being athletically relevant. If Vince Carter stays on task, the Magic, with their assortment of shooters, ball handlers, and long, athletic swingmen like Air France and Matt "my wife has a tv show on Bravo" Barnes. Might be too much top to bottom for anyone. And it'd be neat to see Stan win a ring before Jeff.

Boston Celtics:

So it seems we may have been premature regarding KG. Granted, the Celts were a beneficiary of WHATEVER was going on with LBJ, and took delight in toying with the necrotic Mike Brown and the collection of stiffs surrounding LeBron; but they really did seem to jell as an impressive unit during their 3-0 march to close out the series. Ray Allen's shooting touch is still there and he's running people ragged off of screens. Paul Pierce was guarded by LeBron for much of the series, so it's hard to beat him up too badly about his putrid numbers.

Big Baby lives up to his name on a nightly basis by crying when the bench reproaches him for something stupid and by breast feeding on the sidelines; but aside from that, he's become a reliable bench scorer with a decent mid range game and an ability to use his flab as a powerful tool on the boards. Rasheed is good at yelling, fouling, and occasionally hitting 1 of 7 threes. Tony Allen provides energy, athleticism, and hustle in the 2nd unit--and perhaps most importantly, he can give either Pierce or Allen much needed breaks.

All that said though, the Celts will go only as far as Rajon Rondo's coming-out party will take them. Doc Rivers has done a masterful job of placing more and more of the team's fate in Rondo's hands, and so far Rondo has been spectacular. He demoralized Mo Williams so completely that he disappeared for 5.5 games of the Cleveland series. His weakside defense was instrumental in containing Dwyane Wade for much of Round 1. His matchup with Nelson and Jason Williams off the bench will largely indicate how serious of a threat the Celtics can present to the favored Magic.

The only thing Rondo can't do is shoot free throws. Which really shouldn't be an issue, since point guards don't often handle the basketball....

.............

Boston demonstrated in Game 1 that it didn't just come for the free food and drinks. The Celts will do whatever they can to frustrate the younger, stronger, more well-rested Magic, and they have given themselves a one-game cushion. I see them winning one more, probably at home in Game 4, but I think eventually Dwight Howard and his collective unit will regain their shooting form and get used to the screen sets deployed by Rivers for Ray Allen.

Magic in 6.

Brief Preview of the Rest of the NBA Playoffs, part 2

The great debate: Whether to write this now or after Game 6 of the Cleveland/Boston series tonight.....On the one hand, I could just wait, take the easy route and get ready to discuss Boston/Orlando; or alternatively, I could wait and dissect what will be the biggest 2nd round game 7 in the history of the NBA, thanks to free agency, the cult of personality, and the humorous yet tragic self-loathing rife within Cleveland.

Screw it, I've never done anything easy in my life, other than taco bell and microwave popcorn. And screw top wine. And leftovers. Ok, so in hindsight, that was just a false statement all around. ANYWAY, I push on with this post before we know what happens tonight.

I have four movie-related theories as to what has happened to LeBron James the past two games. His lack of, well, EVERYTHING is really inexplicable, even if you can't stand his antics and ego, resent the fact that he refuses to develop a low post game even though he's stronger than anyone who guards him, or just plain would get on your knees for Kobe and don't like people comparing them. Game 5 wasn't just mailing a game in, it was not even showing up. Like someone put a LeBron cardboard cut out on the floor and occasionally shot a ball at the hoop w/ a remote control. This brings me to my first movie theory:

LeBron has been replaced by a Changeling from "Krull." Yeah, I realize that link sucks ass. You try finding the clip where the creature kills the old Wizard of the Emerald, throws his body into the swamp, assumes the wizard's form, nearly kills Colwyn, and is thwarted by the Cyclops who discovers the wizard's lifeless body just before connecting from long range with his big trident thingy. It's not an easy find. (my girlfriend is a big fan of the film.) You could actually convince me that something like this has happened. That a parasitic henchman of The Beast has killed LeBron and has assumed his imposing form just to look stupid for three games and basically throttle the life out of the poor sports fans of Cleveland. Who will be the Cyclops? Who will find LeBron's corpse stuck in a broom closet? I don't know....

Second Movie Theory:

The Monstars are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that could be it! Somehow, LeBron touched a tainted basketball, and some creepy little technicolor alien became a super baller in preparation for "Space Jam 2: MJ Needs Money After Buying the Bobcats." For those of you who somehow forgot about Space Jam, the Monstars stole basketball gifts from the likes of Larry Johnson, Pat Ewing, Sean Bradley, Muggsy Bogues, and the great Charles Barkley, leaving them as talentless, listless, empty souls. (Yes, I realize that comment is slightly redundant with Sean Bradley. I wasn't the casting director.) That would explain why LeBron all of a sudden can't even make a two handed chest pass to Andy Varejao for a wide-open layup. That, or he just hates Varejao like the rest of the league. That would also not surprise me. Somebody better find that damn thieving bastard alien fast before the curtains close on Cleveland basketball for good. Otherwise MJ's screwed, and the aliens win. Not even Bill Murray could save you then, Cavs fans.

Third Movie Theory:

LeBron's child is being held captive by some scraggly naredowells who have placed money on the Celtics emerging victorious. They have given strict instructions to LeBron that the Cavs are not to win, lest his child meet a disastrous end. My first suspects: Dan Shaughnessy and Jason Whitlock. Now, if only LeBron had bought his boy a bizarrely human circus mutt who follows the kid everywhere and could save him from certain doom, thus allowing police to falsely tell LeBron that his child is safe and that he can return to superhuman form and pound Bill Simmons' favorite team into submission.

Sadly, there's a fourth general movie subplot that actually fits what's going on. LeBron has gone Cypher on the city of Cleveland. Oh sure Cavs fans, don't blame him, he's just the messenger. But, as pointed out by Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Brian Windhorst, and as cited by Taylor, LeBron's inaction has actually been paving the way for Cleveland's destruction for quite some time. Players such as Trevor Ariza balked at signing with the Cavs because LeBron would not commit to the team past this season. So Danny Ferry has been hamstrung with what he could build around his superstar. As a result, this team is a shrine to LeBron's splendor; and it is just ripe for his betrayal.

I personally think LeBron will play better tonight. I mean, really, he couldn't play any worse, unless he went over and cold-cocked Varejao with a steel chair mid-fast break. But, I don't think he'll play well enough. His teammates have lost all feel for the game, and have been desperately hoping to steal some of LBJ's mojo...which is no longer there. Mike Brown is already contacting TNT and ABC. Danny Ferry is already composing his apology letter to Cavs season ticket holders. It's all over but the crying. By letting his teammates see that he is fallible, and actually not good the past two games, LeBron has scared them. They lost their talisman. Their cloak of invincibility has been removed. No longer can his idiot teammates play loose and care-free, fucking around knowing that in case things get tough, they can toss it to their main guy and let him go to town. LeBron didn't even let the poor refs give him any calls, for crying out loud!! Even the REFS got let down.

I see the Celts winning tonight, but we shall see. Part 3 shall soon follow, to break down the Orlando Magic romp to the Finals.

Brief Preview of the Rest of the NBA Playoffs, part 1

The NBA Playoffs have been, for the most part, pretty boring, all in all. It was fun seeing the Dirk face, and it's been impressive watching the Magic steamroll people, albeit against some pretty silly little teams, but actually, these playoffs have been a letdown thus far. NHL has been a lot more exciting, sadly. LeBron, when you consider what we all expect from him, and what we all know he's capable of, has really kind of disappointed. This could of course all change, if he takes the bull by the balls, nuts up, and actually decides he wants to play in games 6 and 7 against the Celts, but we'll get to that later.

NBA WEST:

Let's start here since this is the only matchup we actually "know" for sure.

Phoenix Suns:

These creamsicle orange pansies have actually made a miraculous metamorphosis from an also-ran joke to a team that will kick you in the shins, slap you in the face, then hit a 3 in your eye and laugh about it. I have to say, as much as I truly despise Amare Stoudemire for being an asshole (there ya go Owen), I have to admit that they've become a force to be reckoned with. Steve Nash keeps cashing in on an apparent deal with the Devil and refuses to age (or shower, or get a haircut, or focus his eyes...), but remember the immortal words of Snoop Dogg, Steve. When your body starts trippin, that ass is His.

Grant Hill has also come back from the dead, and has adopted the role of defensive specialist. Yes, I'll give you a second to wipe up whatever liquid you just spat out. Grant Hill, he of one foot, the Lady Bing winner who has never been in the same sentence with the word "tough" other than to say "Grant Hill's had some tough luck in his career," has emerged as a defensive presence for this team. He single-handedly stopped Portland in its tracks after Game 1 and erased Andre Miller off the face of the planet. He also curtailed Manu's effectiveness in Round 2, with the help of Manu's nose.

Amare. There, I mentioned him. Moving on.

This team really comes down to two things: Jason Richardson and the bench. Both have been unconscious this postseason. If Richardson is not stopped, you cannot stop the Suns. If your bench does not keep pace with the Suns' bench production, you cannot stop the Suns. (Well, unless you're Orlando. But again, I'll get to that in a second.) That lefty Croatian guy, Channing Frye, Captain Barbosa, that ugly chick named Amundsen, and Jared Dudley have all demonstrated that they can push the pace, spread the floor, and get teams winded while Nash or Stoudemire or both take a breather. And this is with Sideshow Bob Lopez still nursing a sore back. If Lopez ever makes a return in these playoffs, then the Suns will get back the size they're currently missing.

Lakers:

Kobe's rounding back into form. Gasol is asserting himself offensively, playing quality helpside D, and committing to the boards. Lamar Odom is going to give a double-double. Ron Artest is crazy, and will still provide about 20-25 min. of decent to solid defense. It's boring, it's predictable, it's worked so far, and it's basically all that LA has going for it in this series.

Laker fans, be heartily encouraged that Kobe's midrange game and driving zeal has returned. It seems like he's been able to heal somewhat on the fly. Hell, that could very well be enough. He's the second-best player in the league, and in a few days, might be the best player left in the playoffs. Also, you are of course the defending champions. So you have that going for you. Which is nice. However, you have two dependable scorers. Count them. Two. You are about to play a team who can have as many as 8 guys score in double figures. You have no bench. None. Zero. Your best bench player is Lamar Odom, but he's not so much a bench player as he is "fill-in starter when Bynum's ass flares up." Other than that you bring in Bill's Kid, Shannon Brown, and Jordan Farmar. WHAT do you think will COME...OF.......THAT?! (I don't like the looks of it.)

Ok, so you just took care of Utah in four games. Good. You were supposed to. Well done. You have the Zen Master on the bench. Big plus. You have a definite size advantage, and all three of your tallest guys should average double figures in rebounds. You MUST capitalize on your size advantage, otherwise you're screwed. Ron Artest can't clamp down on everyone. You don't have the length out on the perimeter to bounce around and rotate. That's the only reason Portland won 2 games. They had the wingspan and enough young guys off the bench to at least try to hang. San Antonio just didn't. You don't either. If you try to unleash Kobe on everyone, he will lose his energy for the offensive end, which you can't afford. You MUST have a dominant Bynum, and you MUST get something from your bench.

Call: Phx in 6. Damnit all, Los Dorks are going to the Finals.

Why Society Sucks #1

As a small introduction, the WSS sections will be a small, random hit of current thoughts that I have on society in general, with a focus on sports. This is Half-eared commentary at its best, and I hope it goes in one ear and never makes it out of the other side.

WSS #1 – It has become frowned upon in society to call assholes what they are – assholes. It is part of the political correctness disease, and it is now a widespread infection. When you tell assholes that they are assholes, you are not only correcting their behavior, but you are protecting other people from their future behavior. There were two recent sports stories that epitomize WSS #1.

The first was a recent spat about how the Miami Dolphins interview their possible future draft choices. Put simply, Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland should be allowed to ask a player if his mother was a prostitute. That player should then be able to beat Jeff Ireland’s ass. I’ll put my wager on Dez Bryant, thank you.

The second was over some dumbshit kid who ran onto the field during a Phillies game. People that are upset when other people get tasered are stupid*. A kid who runs on the field during a game is an asshole, and tasing him is a non-verbal way to communicate to him that he is, in fact, an asshole. Kind of like how punching Jeff Ireland in the face would be a non-verbal way to communicate that his question won’t be answered.

*Take this report by Amnesty International, http://www.amnesty.org/en/news-and-updates/report/tasers-potentially-lethal-and-easy-abuse-20081216. In the second paragraph, they claim that 334 people were killed after being struck by a taser between 2001 and 2008, a fact that might appear shocking. However, you have to read to the last paragraph of the story before they admit that “…most of the 334 deaths nationwide have been attributed to factors such as drug intoxication…” So they purposefully throw out a misleading statistic, and then begrudgingly admit it at the end of the story. Well, even with their misleading stats, that’s a total of 47.7 people a year that possibly, maybe, have died as the result of a tasing. Compare that to deaths by lightning (50 to 80 per year) and you’ll soon find out that God is more intent on tasing people to death than the Po-Po. Also, the vast majority of those tased were either assholes or being an asshole at the time, not so with those struck by lightning.