NFL Free Agency: Initial Thoughts…

My first thought is a gripe, and it stems from what I can only describe as a lack of perspective and/or economic knowledge by sports analysts, pontificators, and douche-nozzles in general. It all comes down to one word, O-V-E-R-P-A-I-D.

If I hear one more asshole writer, blogger, or talking head say that the Bears, Lions, Giants, or anyone else “overpaid” for a free agent, I am going to break another keyboard, preferably on their face, but on my ugly old IKEA desk if need be. Hey morons, the whole concept of free-agency in the NFL for the last 15 years has been to “overpay for players”, or in non-dipshit words, “get the player you wanted.”

In a free-market system, the price paid for a good is usually defined by a combination of its scarcity and number of uses. * A mean guy that is over 6’, weighs over 250 lbs, runs forty yards in less than 4.5 seconds, and hates red jerseys is both scarce AND has a number of uses less than two. Also, before some weenie cursed by political correctness makes a comment, the ‘good’ I am referring to is a player’s performance, not the player, jackass. Conversely, a fat, stupid white guy with questionable sexual preferences can be both a comic-store clerk and a United States Senator, thus not being scarce AND having a multiple number of uses, especially in Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass-Prison.**

With the free market in mind, let us now examine some of the 2010 NFL signings:

Let’s see, the miserable Detroit Lions are said to have overpaid for an oft-injured wide receiver (Nate “McBurly” Burleson) and an over-the-hill defensive end (Kyle Vanden Bosch). Hmmm, could it be that maybe you have to pay someone more to come live and work for the WORST FUCKING NFL TEAM IN THE WORST FUCKING CITY IN THE UNITED STATES? Holy shit, it’s no wonder you “analysts” get paid so much, you’re all geniuses! (Genii for those who believe in granting wishes, or is that Djinn?***).

Please imagine the late Chris Farley saying, “Da Bears!”, then fist-pounding out his own heart attack (if only Dick Cheney knew that trick). That was an awesome skit, but not as awesome as the stupidity of sports pundits. The Bears, reeling from some disappointing seasons, decided to get back to football Chicago-style, i.e. aggressive defense and a strong running game. Therefore, they “overpaid” for Chester Taylor and Julius Peppers. Is there a NFL franchise that isn’t interested in a talented running back with a shockingly low amount of carries and a defensive end with tons of talent and a below average motor? The answer is “Nope!”… unless you are a talentless piece of shit with a microphone in front of you and a logo behind you.

Now for the “My dick is going to fall off because of surprise and not chronic masturbation rant”…

The Baltimore Ravens just got Anquan Boldin and a 5^th round pick for a 3^rd and 4^th round pick. I don’t get it. All of my above arguments about a capitalist-based system just got flushed down my old-school porcelain over stamped-steel sink. Were there no other teams involved in this little merry-go-round whatsoever? Seriously, no team in the entire NFL spectrum offered a 2’nd rounder for a legitimate #1 WR? I have to believe that there were at least some mild shenanigans at play here. I fully understand that the gangsters in Baltimore pull in more weigh money than the ones in Arizona, after all, the rock gets $5 per kibble while the AZ mo’fo’s have to spend months planning the next Ciudad Juarez style kidnapping for a couple G’s. But holy fuck, no one else could give greater than a third and fourth rounder? I call bullshit, and I am sure an inside deal relationship will be announced soon. Regardless, have a happy off-season and talk to you later…

*- If you haven’t already, please read Basic Economics by the baddest-ass of all economically-inclined badasses, Thomas Sowell. An additional side-note, in 1492, God asked Sowell what was needed for a truly self-sufficient society, and Sowell told God “Hot chicks, sports where you can score on defense, and a surprising number of Chinese-food / Fried Chicken combo restaurants.” BAM!, America was discovered the next day.

**-Watch the movie Office Space. Brad Pitt just did and knows he made a big mistake.

***-Watch the movie Wishmaster: 2, or stab yourself in the left thigh, same diff.